I am my own worst enemy.

I'm not after sympathy nor am I wanting to hear 'poor you' etc etc, but the truth of the matter is, I blame myself for Brock's death, the rough pregnancy I had with Taj, his premature birth and as a result the health issues he had when he was first born and now the issues he is having with his development. I know that it wasn't my fault, but I grew these two little people in my belly and when things went wrong, I blamed myself, and I still do. I should have been able to protect them but I couldn't.

Taj had another appointment this morning with the paedeatric physio, it was also meant to be with the speech therapist, but she had to cancel until next week. The physio is a lovely girl, she has a great, relaxed approach to things and Taj seems to have taken to her after only three visits, which is a pretty big thing for him! The session today was also fairly relaxed, she set different toys out for Taj to play with, she also set out some ramps for him to walk along. I thought there was no chance he was going to do it, but to my suprise he did, loved it and wanted to do it again. :)

While Taj was playing and exploring, the physio and I were talking, mainly about the discussion her and the speech therapist had after Taj's last session. The feeling is that while Taj's motor skills seem fine (the fine motor skills need a little bit of work, but they are improving all the time) the main area of concern is his speech, his ability to understand requests and act on them and also his eating and being able to handle different textures etc. It seems to be about 50/50 with him, you can ask him to do something and he will do it straight away, other times you ask him and it's as if it's just not getting through. He also tends to get distracted fairly easily. The physio mentioned today that there is a strong possibility of referring Taj to Early Intervention which is, as far as I understand, a much more intensive version of what we're doing already.

Even while I'm writing this I'm cringing and I want to delete it. This is all stuff that Lee and I have known for a while and it's why we decided to get some help, but I feel almost ashamed to openly admit it. Not because I am ashamed of Taj, that couldn't be further from the truth. I love that little guy more than I ever thought possible and it fills me with such a huge amount of pride and humility that God chose Lee and I to be the parents to such an amazing child. I am ashamed because I blame myself, if I hadn't have gotten sick Taj wouldn't have been born premature and therefore wouldn't have any developmental delays now. I feel as if I let him down because my body couldn't do what it was meant to do and he's paying for it now.

I know it sounds a bit melodramatic and I should 'just get over it', but I've carried this burden with me for almost 3 years and it will probably always be at the back of my mind, which is why I am my own worst enemy. It drives Lee crazy, I can't blame him really, I'd feel the same if he was saying things like that. But, I am working through it (without going into all the gorey details) and some days are definietly better than others, today is one of the bad days.

But on a positive note, how brilliant is it that we live in a country where doctors etc are readily available, easily accessible and really quite affordable? I think of countries where you have to pay for everything, yet in Australia, we really are the lucky country. Yes, I would much prefer that we didn't have to take Taj to appointments like this, I would've preferred for alot of things not to have happaned, however I can't change it. I just have to be greatful that we have such amazing services available to us, and most importantly, I have to remember how incredibly blessed and lucky we are to have such a beautiful son. He's been coming into bed with us at about 5am over the last few nights (he hasn't been well with an ear infection), the other morning he woke up before me. I didn't hear him stir and the first I knew about him being awake was seeing a little head peering over my shoulder (I was lying on my side with my back to him) with a big grin on his face.

It's definitely moments like that that make it all worth it and the bad times seem not that bad.