I am my own worst enemy.

I'm not after sympathy nor am I wanting to hear 'poor you' etc etc, but the truth of the matter is, I blame myself for Brock's death, the rough pregnancy I had with Taj, his premature birth and as a result the health issues he had when he was first born and now the issues he is having with his development. I know that it wasn't my fault, but I grew these two little people in my belly and when things went wrong, I blamed myself, and I still do. I should have been able to protect them but I couldn't.

Taj had another appointment this morning with the paedeatric physio, it was also meant to be with the speech therapist, but she had to cancel until next week. The physio is a lovely girl, she has a great, relaxed approach to things and Taj seems to have taken to her after only three visits, which is a pretty big thing for him! The session today was also fairly relaxed, she set different toys out for Taj to play with, she also set out some ramps for him to walk along. I thought there was no chance he was going to do it, but to my suprise he did, loved it and wanted to do it again. :)

While Taj was playing and exploring, the physio and I were talking, mainly about the discussion her and the speech therapist had after Taj's last session. The feeling is that while Taj's motor skills seem fine (the fine motor skills need a little bit of work, but they are improving all the time) the main area of concern is his speech, his ability to understand requests and act on them and also his eating and being able to handle different textures etc. It seems to be about 50/50 with him, you can ask him to do something and he will do it straight away, other times you ask him and it's as if it's just not getting through. He also tends to get distracted fairly easily. The physio mentioned today that there is a strong possibility of referring Taj to Early Intervention which is, as far as I understand, a much more intensive version of what we're doing already.

Even while I'm writing this I'm cringing and I want to delete it. This is all stuff that Lee and I have known for a while and it's why we decided to get some help, but I feel almost ashamed to openly admit it. Not because I am ashamed of Taj, that couldn't be further from the truth. I love that little guy more than I ever thought possible and it fills me with such a huge amount of pride and humility that God chose Lee and I to be the parents to such an amazing child. I am ashamed because I blame myself, if I hadn't have gotten sick Taj wouldn't have been born premature and therefore wouldn't have any developmental delays now. I feel as if I let him down because my body couldn't do what it was meant to do and he's paying for it now.

I know it sounds a bit melodramatic and I should 'just get over it', but I've carried this burden with me for almost 3 years and it will probably always be at the back of my mind, which is why I am my own worst enemy. It drives Lee crazy, I can't blame him really, I'd feel the same if he was saying things like that. But, I am working through it (without going into all the gorey details) and some days are definietly better than others, today is one of the bad days.

But on a positive note, how brilliant is it that we live in a country where doctors etc are readily available, easily accessible and really quite affordable? I think of countries where you have to pay for everything, yet in Australia, we really are the lucky country. Yes, I would much prefer that we didn't have to take Taj to appointments like this, I would've preferred for alot of things not to have happaned, however I can't change it. I just have to be greatful that we have such amazing services available to us, and most importantly, I have to remember how incredibly blessed and lucky we are to have such a beautiful son. He's been coming into bed with us at about 5am over the last few nights (he hasn't been well with an ear infection), the other morning he woke up before me. I didn't hear him stir and the first I knew about him being awake was seeing a little head peering over my shoulder (I was lying on my side with my back to him) with a big grin on his face.

It's definitely moments like that that make it all worth it and the bad times seem not that bad.

New year, new-ish blog :)

It's been well over 12 months since my last blog entry, 'life' has gotten in the way :)

I think I'm at a point now where I need to blog, to get things off my chest, to share our experiences etc. Taj is now almost two (on the 22nd of March) and we've reached a point with him of needing a bit of assistance. Not at all in a bad way, he is a very bright, social, loving and intelligent little boy and the light of our lives. I'll go into further detail with the next entry but we are currently working with a physio, speech therapist and also hopefully soon a dietician basically to help Taj 'catch up'.

It's been an extremely emotional roller coaster ride at times, we've had so much support from all of our friends and family and have also supported each other, but as far as professional help (from a paedeatrician) we were basically going solo until October last year. Please don't get me wrong, health wise Taj is 100% and considering all the health problems he had when he was first born, it's a miracle. I believe to this very day that from the moment he was concieved Taj is a fighter and is meant to be here. :) Developmentally however, there are some delays. Doctors/nurses etc have been telling us that he will 'catch up' and that he is where he should be etc etc and to try this and to try that...however Lee and I, as his parents and the two people who know him better than anyone else, know that there is a delay, and it wasn't until last week that we FINALLY had a professional actually agree with us and actually tell us what we knew already, but were constantly being told we were worrying too much about.

This however, is by no means a negative thing. It's far from it. When it's all said and done, we are blessed to be sharing out lives with a total miracle. He is the light of our lives and such a wonderful, amazing little guy :) He was born 8 weeks early and without sounding melodramatic, we are lucky to have him home with us as he had some pretty major health problems, he is meant to be here. However, while he needs a bit of help from here on in with his eating, his speaking and a few other developmental areas, he is a very bright, happy and social little boy. We have a wealth of knowledge freely available to us and some amazing professionals to help us so it's only onwards and upwards from here.

I want to try and use this blog to 'document' our experiences and maybe also use it to help another family in the same situation as us and maybe also get some help and advice from anyone who may be there or may have been there before us.

Happy reading! :)

our (not so much) teeny tiny teddy bear

When Taj was born and he was in the Childrens Hospital in Melbourne, my dear friend/surrogate little sister Emily came to visit us and she brought this gorgeous hat for Taj. When I first saw it I thought it was just beautiful, but like alot of his clothes, it was packed away safely as there was NO chance it was going to fit him. In fact, this hat looked like a tent that he could have curled up inside quite easily, let alone wear it as an actual hat.

This morning we made the usual treck to drop off Lee to work, and because it was a bit of a chilly night, I decided to put a hat on, couldn't find his normal one, and saw this one instead. It still looked MILES too big but I figured I could just tie it up or something. But sure enough, it fit!!! Lee isn't a big fan of kids clothes with 'ears', but even he had a hard time not thinking this was the cutest thing ever. :)

in honour of our little buggalugs....

I would easily be one of the most painful people to tattoo. :) Thankfully Lee and I know our tattoo artist, Squirell, so it's not so bad, but I am really a shocker. I squirm, I fidget, I hurl and pass out (ok, a slight exhageration - just :P) but this is the result of two sessions and a couple hours of well worth it pain. :) 

This is my second tattoo, I got my first one (below) last year in memory of our son Brock, and I love having his name on me forever.

He was born just under 20 weeks so in the eyes of the law it wasn't required for us to register his birth/death and therefore he didn't get a birth certificate. We have, however, been very lucky to have him officially listed on Taj's birth certificate as our son and Taj's brother. I love Brock's tattoo, but I always feel a bit sad when I look at it. I'd always wanted to get a tattoo but I don't really like to 'show it off' (if that makes sense). So when Taj was born I wanted to get a tattoo for him. Something bright and cheery and happy, just like him, and also one that people could see and go 'wow, nice tattoo, who's Taj?' and I can go 'Taj is my son, and here he is, isn't he gorgeous?' :) So, I got his handprint and footprint (taken when he was 4 months), his name and also a crown. I chose a crown because we were told by one of the nurses at the Womens' that in India, Taj means 'regal' and 'king'. After we found that out it occurred to us that Brock and Taj have that 'King' link with Brock's middle name being Kingsley. :) I also wanted to get a tattoo for Taj, for the pain factor. He went through so much pain in the first 3 months of his life and he was so tough and brave and such a little fighter. So even though I am pathetic when getting a tattoo, I wanted to be 'tough' for him  and go though some pain as well and get something in his honour. :)

I have a feeling he approves.... :)

A brief history of Taj (so far...)

Taj Albert Thompson, born 22/03/2010 1.496 kg, looking like a robo-baby.

This was my first cuddle with Taj, 30 hours after he was born. I was moved around the hospital about 4 times and got a bit lost in the system and because Lee was with Taj, I guess they didn't rate cuddles with Mum high up on the list. I've made up for it ten-fold since. ;)

Wired for sound

My handsome hubby and our beautiful boy.

 

Gorgeous balloons and flowers but THE worst tasting jelly beans ever!

Cherished cuddles with Daddy :)

 Benjamin Button :)

Big smiles at his second home, The Royal Childrens Hospital.

First ever bottle feed

Finally wearing clothes! Premmie sized pumpkin patch miles too big, he makes them look like dolls clothes now :)

 

Finally in an open cot - woohoo!!

 

Finally in Bendigo and first cuddles with Grandma.

 

Long-awaited cuddles with Grandpa.

 

Being doted on by Gran and Grandad

 

 FINALLY HOME!!! 24/05/2010

Photos taken by our dear friend Anglea

At Grandma and Grandpa's house not long after he started to really smile. He hasn't stopped since.

 

Taj and Aunty Min

 

Big cuddles with big cousin Ty, they adore each other. :)

 

A sign of things to come :)

 

Me and my favourite lil men :)

 

Ty is such an awesome big cousin, he adores Taj and Taj loves him right back :)

My boys :)

Me and my Buggalugs :)

 

This is the smile that can turn the worst day into the best day

 

My blue-eyed boys

 

Completely different baby from in the first photo. We are so so lucky. :) :)

Where has 2010 gone????

Right here....

It's hard to believe it's almost been six months since I've updated this blog, it only feels like yesterday, but so much has happened!!

Taj ended up being sent back to Bendigo on the 7th (I think...) of May 2010 and he spent 2 weeks in the SCBU at the Bendigo Hospital before FINALLY coming home on the 23rd of May 2010. The staff at Bendigo were magnificent and we were also lucky enough to meet some beautiful Mums/Dads and Bubs as well who we've kept in contact with.

Coming home with Taj that first night was totally surreal. We both got no sleep what so ever, even though we'd been parents for 8 weeks, it felt like we were brand new parents and honestly had no idea what to do!!! Being parents has not been easy, it's been bloody tough, there have been arguments and tears and hissy fits, but to be honest, one smile from Taj makes it all worth it. Lee and I are adjusting as well. The first month after Taj came home was report writing time for Lee, I knew it was important, but to be honest, to me, report writing was secondary, and as soon as Lee got home from school, instead of giving him time to relax and then focus on reports, I was giving him Taj straight away because I needed a break. Selfish, I know, huh? Needless to say, report writing is coming up again and we are much more prepared. :)

I adore being a Mum. Taj is just the most amazing, beautiful, sweet little man and I can't imagine my life without him. :) I know it might sound a bit cliche, but there is honestly no other love like the love that I feel for Taj. Lee and I look at each other sometimes and say 'we made him' and are very very proud of ourselves. :D I've been lucky enough to meet and make some awesome friends since becomming a Mum as well. The Mums and gorgeous Bubs through the Mothers Group and also our neighbours and their awesome kids across the road from where we live. :) We have also been blessed by our amazing friends and family who supported us through everything. We would not have been able to make it this far without anyone of them, it blows me away some days how much support we had. *massive group hug*

Well, it's time for the little man's bottle, so I'd better sign off. I'm looking forward to blogging again very very soon. :)

Luv Natt XO

Meow...

 

No original photo today sorry, this is the best I could come up with.

It would be very very easy to go on and on about what a crappy day it's been and chuck a huge hissy fit, about how completely jacked off we are with the stupid dumb procedural crap that is currently stopping us from getting to Bendigo, about how much I reeeeally don't like Melbourne, the noise, the traffic etc etc and about how much all we want is to be somewhere, just the three of us, all happy and healthy, with no nurses, doctors, other patients or babies. It's only just occurred to me today that Lee, Taj and I have not been in a room by ourselves in the 6 weeks since he was born. There has always been nurses/doctors/other babies/other parents, the doctors/nurses I don't mind so much, they're vital at the moment. But today, I came very very close to having a slight grrrr at the family next to Taj who came to visit their bub. Normally all well and good until I saw that after they entered the room, so did their two young daughters, the grandfather and at least 3 other relatives...not bad considering there are only meant to be 3 visitors at a time including the parents. If I remember rightly I'm pretty sure the words 'You have to be kidding me' left my mouth at a fairly audible volume and many thanks to the nurse who heard me and quickly ushered them out the room again. Some people really are knobs. ;)

Instead I'll focus on the awesome fact that Taj is out of his plastic box and in an open cot and doing well - yay!! He's almost officially a big boy!

*thanks to whoever took/made this pic, I take no credit for it at all  :)*